2019 Review
The Hardest thing I have done this year
August of this year, I started doing this little thing where I would try to consistently do something for the entire month, like build a good habit or stop a bad one. Monthly challenges.
Monthly Challenge August:
On July 31st, I deleted Instagram, snapchat and youtube from my phone (I already didn’t have twitter on my phone and I never downloaded youtube back after the challenge). Logged out of twitter and IG on my laptop and kept that going for the entire month of August. I missed Salat on the very first day of the month and kept missing it for the entire month (and still miss it till today). I kept my WhatsApp scheduling for the first two days but eventually said: “fuck this shit” and checked WhatsApp whenever I wanted. I did my workout challenge for maybe the first ten days and eventually faded out of it but social media, social media, I did for the whole month. I didn’t learn anything from the break. But I liked the fact that I set a challenge for thirty days and stuck to it so, in September, I tried a different challenge.
In October, these were the challenges.
Obviously, I failed at the first two but cold showers, cold showers I did. My friend Tade is of the habit of making fun of me for taking hot showers. I don’t know about you but I like the feeling of hot water on my skin. The choice of this particular challenge was to do something that made me uncomfortable. Everyone can relate to the mental preparation that goes into taking a cold shower. You spend five minutes gathering the courage to open the tap and then there’s that flinch that comes when the water first touches your body.
The first week of October, I flinched every morning. I would spend five to ten minutes getting ready for the water and then I would jump in and out till my body got adjusted to the temperature. On some days, I would get up, fetch water in a kettle and then remember that I had to bathe with cold water. Some days I would be late for work and be grateful I didn’t have to wait for my water to boil. At some point, I stopped flinching. The cold shower became normal to me. I became comfortable with it. Every morning (and evening), I enter the bathroom and open the tap without even the slightest hesitation.
Today, I went for a 3km run (Very short by my current standard but I am going through a tough time) and on the way back, I bought a pack of ice. When I got home, I poured the ice into a bucket and fetched water into it. I’m sure you see where this is going. I scooped one bowl of that water and poured it over my head. It sent shivers through my entire body. I literally felt the chill as it went through my body. From my head to my feet. I played with the idea for a bit. I scooped a few more bowls and tried to get my body ready for what was coming. My body wasn’t having any of it. Every scoop of water I poured felt miserable. Why was I doing this? Why was I subjecting my body to this torture?
I picked up the entire bucket of water and poured it over my body in one continuous stream. My body literally went numb. This is the hardest thing I have done this year (Not running 25km or going 3 days without sleep or waking up at 4:00 am for 3 weeks). I am going to do it again tomorrow.
Things Things Things
People’s ‘year in review’ posts are often just a collection of what they did. “I wrote these many stories”, “spoke at these conferences”, “travelled to all these countries”. “got all this validation” and on and on and on. I remember during a conversation I had with someone thinking about where I was compared to a year ago. I said:
“I don’t feel like I am different or like I have grown much over the course of the last year but if I look closely at the things I have accumulated then perhaps I must be grateful for that.”
Now, all those things that I had apparently accumulated, they don’t seem so much right now. I feel like I only have a laptop (as a thing of value) to my name and the laptop is a work computer so…
Without further ado, here’s my year in review but written as things I did.
I travelled to four new states in Nigeria (all in the north), I met Bez the singer and had a very casual conversation with him about what he needed me to do to make his performance go smoothly. I wrote way more this year than any other year but I credit that to my stint of unemployment. Started my first fulltime job as an educational researcher (which is a title I didn’t envision I’d take up at any point in life.) I met a lot of new people (but I feel like I meet lots of new people every year. I read 25 (non-academic) books. Did a computational linguistic masterclass. I started a podcast. I ran an accumulated mileage of over 720 kilometres. I learnt to cook 4 new meals including tortillas which I personally feel takes too much prep.
There are also many things I wanted to do this year but did not do. I did not save or even make up to half a million naira. I did not go on many dates. I did not become fluent in French or pick up a musical instrument or make my first investment or get published in any publication or finish writing my book or write 50 posts on my content website. All of these things I very much wanted to do this year.
Emotions
Before the next part of this writeup, I need you to watch this video from 11:05 to 12:40. It’s important that you watch it.
I was mostly numb this year. I did not feel any strong emotions and that was an improvement from last year when I only cried time and time again. This year, I think I cried only 3/4 times. This, of course, doesn’t mean that I had mostly good emotions, it just means I didn’t process emotions as much. There were many times when I felt like I was due for a good cry but simply couldn’t find the reason to. There weren’t many feelings of ecstasy and celebration. I did not have many reasons to jump up in joy but I did jump and dance and put smiles on people’s faces. I spoke to a friend recently about how I had finally perfected being fine so I could be there for other people. And when my own life hit me with tragic realisation, I would cry for five minutes in my room and then move on.
Seeing this video, the exact part I asked you to watch, reminded me of a feeling that is really familiar to me; as a runner and just in life. There are many times when I want to give up (on something.) So many many times while running or simply while working on something when I much rather wouldn’t. And in those times I ask myself: “Why am I doing this? Why am I subjecting my body to this torture?”
Then I pick up the bucket of ice water and pour it on my body in one continuous stream.
Memories
I don’t have the best memory so this part, this part will be incoherent. Memories are like stories. They are supposed to start somewhere and end somewhere and be linear and narrative. But I only remember the middle…
I remember walking on the streets of Kaduna at 9 pm in search of suya…
I remember sitting in a random beer parlour in Oshodi at 10 pm waiting for my younger sister who was stuck somewhere between Lagos and Ibadan in a bus with strangers…
I remember walking up to a girl in camp because I liked her skin and then finding that I thought she was almost perfect if only she didn’t live in a different city and practise a different religion and didn’t ‘not think’ I was almost perfect…
I remember talking about exponential technology with my coworkers as our plane circled over Lagos at night waiting for when it could land…
I remember crying because I missed my younger sister… and because my friend tried to break up with me… and because my friend was depressed…
The conclusion should be here
It should be. The only problem is that I don’t have a conclusion. Because this year doesn’t feel like a full memory. It feels like the middle…
