2020 Review
I woke up this morning at 5:30 am. Waking up at this time has become mechanical. My father knocked on my door impatiently and I woke up slightly annoyed. Then we performed our morning salat and I went back into my room but-
Usually, I go back to sleep and wake up at 9:30 am in a jolt. I pick up my laptop from the side of my bed, open slack, check work emails and prepare for my 10 am meeting. Doing all of this very anxiously.
Today, I laid in bed for 45 minutes listening to UB40. Then I went out for a 12 minutes run, came back and laid on the floor for another thirty minutes, showered and ate breakfast.
The anxiety was still there but less intense.
***
I wrote earlier this year about crying in the toilet at work. Or calling up a friend to cry for five minutes and then getting back to work. Crying has become a utilitarian outlet for me when I feel extremely overwhelmed. Looking back at 2020, it doesn't feel bad as a unit. Like when I look back at 2017 for instance, I just think about how shit that year was, but 2020 doesn’t feel like shit. And I think the reason it doesn’t feel that way is: when things were downright choking me, I could always break down for five minutes. It reminds me of a tweet I shared with my younger sister. It was about a guy crying in a library and suddenly stopping when an alarm went off. It was something my sister and I could relate to.
My sister- My immediate younger sister has been in school for a little over two years now. The last time I saw her was in 2018. I remember writing last year that one of the reasons I felt sad was that I missed her. This was the year we were supposed to see but we all know how 2020 went. So instead, this year was me trying as much as possible to help her through the hardest year of her, life but doing it from half way across the planet. On some occasions, I was able to give her good advice. That’s one of the biggest joys of being an older brother — being able to help your younger siblings. I feel like that’s one of the biggest joys of being a mother too. Seeing your children be there for each other. Here’s a little story.
On the 6th of December, I and my sister were texting and it came up that finals were around the corner. She felt a particular emotion that I had felt time and time again in Uni.
Do I put in so much effort and get dangerously low amounts of sleep so I can save my results in one week of school OR do I give up because ultimately, nothing matters
We spoke for a few minutes about what she liked, why it was worth putting effort in anything, what she wanted and who she was. We spoke also of me and what I liked and put effort into and some of my failures in school. At the end of the conversation, I said ‘economics was like painting’ and we talked about her ‘spotify wrapped’ and I felt like I had helped.
I went on my whatsapp status and said “nothing gives me more joy than helping my sisters.” My mum saw it and responded “May the almighty Allah grant you the strength.” My mum sees my status all the time but that was the first time she was responding. I guess that was the first time she knew exactly how she wanted to respond. Most of my status updates are my own weird musings or random updates on my mental health which are not exactly easy to engage with.
Family was really important to me this year. Family is important to me in general. Growing up and wanting to express myself more, I always fold into shapes that are better for my family. It’s not particularly difficult; I am not exactly repressing big parts of me. It’s little things like staying out late or spending bigger chunks of time hanging out with people. I got a nose ring not too long ago but I have decided to stop wearing it because it doesn't sit well with them(my parents). There are lots of times where instead of having a vocal disagreement with my parents, I think to myself “this isn’t important enough for us to fight” and I just cave instead.
There are exceptions.
This year, I was vocally in support of the end sars movement. My parents, especially my father felt like the protests were misled or at least a little misguided. He supported the values of fighting against wrong but thought the inconvienice was not worth it. Like not worth the eventual breakdown of law and order. He is also a strong believer in the APC government. I, on the other hand, think the government is trash (no other way to say it.) So at the peak of it, my father and I got into a shouting match. My father was upset that his office building had been set on fire and looted. I was upset that my father wasn’t listening to anything I said. At the end of that, I was in tears, my pulse was allover the place and my blood pressure was dangerously high (these are things I check regularly now.) I thought to myself that it was really important to me that I tried to make this country better but it wasn’t worth my family relationship. My mum came to sit with me to calm me down and I fell asleep some minutes later.
In the coming year, I am going to try to watch football again. So I always have something to talk about with my dad.
***
My health this year has been — not great. I have a worrisome blood pressure and I am currently on medication for it. Tested positive for an ulcer bacteria also and took medication for it. I have been in and out of the hospital all year for a pain in my leg that started in March. I have been to four hospitals, seen two orthopedics and two physiotherapists. Physiotherapy isn’t cheap. I found out the cost of an MRI — also not cheap. I found out the names of some muscles and bones that I previously did not know. I spent about 6 months on pain meds. Also had a disturbing amount of people touch my butt while examining my pelvis (where the pain is). One physiotherapist told me i’d never be able to run again. I was barely able to hold the tears back as we spoke. I broke down immediately I left his office (called a friend). Broke down again when I went to my friend’s house but by then, I was mostly cried out. The summary of where I am with my leg right now is I have good days and bad days (more bad days). I run on some days but never for more than a few minutes. No hour long runs. Not even thirty minutes. I stretch as often as I can and exercise on some days.
In the coming year, I will try to get a new bed and chair, get pain meds again, do more stretches and back exercises, and run when I can. But I will take the good days with the bad.
***
I did a fair bit of creative work this year. I produced a full season of my podcast. 12 episodes. They were supposed to come out bi-weekly but I couldn’t keep up. I learnt a lot about producing podcasts and got better. I also made lots of videos this year. They are all on my igtv. I have always wanted to make videos but I always wanted them to be planned and written and to do something. The videos I make do something but without all the planning. I record them with the selfie camera on my iPhone which is bad because the screen is bad. There is a crack right on top of it and in all my videos, you can see light being reflected through the crack. But guess what, videos don’t need to be great with top quality visuals to do something. This goes for every creative thing I have worked on this year. The sound quality of my podcast isn't great because we don't even have a mic. But it doesn’t need to be great to do something (in this case, tell a story).
***
There are lots of specifics to talk about this year. Lots of note worthy moments in the world. Some noteworthy moments in my small life. This year has been a constant conflict between me thinking,
“how can i be concerned with myself when the world is on fire “
and
“the world is on fire but right now i can only think of myself.”
For instance, whenever I am feeling overwhelmed or sad and its affecting my relationships or performance, I push back. I think to myself that “some people have real problems”, why am I letting anxiety be the reason i can’t perform or I can’t take calls.
I have felt really lonely this year. As the year as progressed, I have talked to less and less people. I am back to a point where I am too anxious for calls. I wake up with a jolt on most mornings. A few nights ago, I woke up shouting “WTF.” I didn’t have a bad dream, I just felt like ‘why was I still sleeping’. This year, I developed a fear of sleeping. Specifically, I am afraid to sleep because i think i might die in my sleep. It was really bad at some point and I always try to sleep as fast as possible because the longer I stay awake, the longer I stay afraid for.
I had a few run-ins with friends. Conflicts with people that are truly special to me. Some of my closest friends from last year, don’t have time for us to talk as much. Some of them, I have been the one unable to make enough time for them. Some friends i used to text everyday, I never text anymore.
Many of it is my own fault. For instance, my friend Faith, who I am supposed to be partnering with on something has moved on because I couldn't keep up. I am too afraid to say “let’s try that partnership thing again” because I honestly don’t want to hold her back. When she offered to bring me in as a partner, I hesitated specifically because of this. My friend, Abi,got so fed up with my terrible texting habits that she sent me a text saying how much it affected her and that she didn't feel like she could talk to me anymore.
***
The last couple of times I have broken down. I have done so alone. I thought of calling people but then i think of just how much anxiety the ringback tune causes me and I think that I don’t want to randomly burden a friend with a crying monologue, and i think that they might already be upset with me or it might be awkward or it…
I think the reason I call friends when I cry is so I don’t feel alone. Like I am alone all of the time but I don’t want to be alone when I am crying. I don’t need people to say anything to make me feel better but they always try. I don’t need people to investigate what the problem is but they always try. I just usually don’t want to be alone when I cry.
2020 has felt a little lonely I guess. Lonelier as the year has progressed. It’s been a lesson in losing. Losing relationships, losing the things I love, losing people who raised me as a child, losing sleep, just losing stuff.
It’s also been a year of lots of crying.
I setup a patreon account and my sister was the first person to pledge 5 dollars a month and that made me cry.
One morning, a stranger tweeted about how much my podcast connected with them and that made me cry.
On my birthday, someone got me a gray shirt and that made me cry.
My friends consistently came through for me when i got broke. Many of them without realising they were literally helping me survive. That made me cry.
A friend sent me a voice note, unprovoked and told me they appreciated me and that made me cry.
A friend asked me to come visit them and that made me feel missed and… you guessed it, made me cry.
My mum came to my room one morning and told me she bought moinmoin with eggs instead of fish and that made me cry. For me, it was a way of her saying she loved me (I don’t eat fish.)
***
You know how in movies, a character will shout at someone to leave them alone, and the person will step back but stand there for a few minutes before leaving. Then the character will turn around but it’s too late and the person has left so now the character feels really really bad. Yea that’s me.
Except. Time and time again. My friends and my family were still standing there.
It’s the end of the year. I have recently quit my job. I am taking very short runs, waking up a little earlier — less anxious, thinking about what i will do for work next, and being grateful for friends and family. I realised that, there are lots of things to care about but fundamentally, I care most about friends and family.
