I do a significantly less number of things now than I used to do at some time T in the past. There is a list of a fairly substantial number of things that “I used to do”. I used to rap and I used to be able to dance and I used to play basketball. I do less things now so that there’s a smaller number of things that I suck at. I suck at basketball. I suck at talking which makes rapping not a thing I can do. I stopped playing chess before I could discover that I suck. Although I was one of the least good people in the chess club. I once lost a match to a much better player in which the player didn’t look at the chess board and I did.
Doing less means sucking at less.
It doesn’t mean not sucking. I still do a few things. I am not one thing. I’m not a programmer or designer or writer or director. I’m a guy that wants to be all of these things which sort of means I currently suck at all of these. I also suck at introducing myself, in two ways. The first is the way of qualifier. I don’t know what to qualify myself as. “Hi. I’m Isu. I’m a writer” or “Hi, I’m Muhammed. I am a front end developer.” The second way is my identity crisis. A crisis that started off rather harmlessly. Depending on when you ask me, my answer to “what is your name?” Could be either Isu or Muhammed. For the longest time it was always Isu. Then it started to change. People commented on my surname or asked why I was called my surname and other related questions. I also introduced myself in full with my surname first. As opposed to first name first which seems to be the norm. In certain settings, I have actually been corrected on this. I often practice saying my name first name first. For two reasons. The first is to be able to say it that way when asked in public. The second is to reconcile this identity where I am supposed to be Muhammed and not Isu.
“I am Muhammed Isu. Muhammed. Muhammed Isu”
I tend to recite the words when walking between points or staring at myself in the mirror.
I think I am always searching for validation but never actively. I realise that sentence is somewhat contradictory of itself but its kind of the truth. I think everyone wants some sort of validation. In this case, I search for validation in the things that I do from the things that I do not from friends. This is where the title of this post comes from. Friends or people I talk to will every now and then say something about me, maybe thoughtlessly or thoughtfully (usually with good intent), that I don’t believe in.
Case in point-
“You are smart”
“B*tch where?”
People throw that particular phrase around rather too much I feel. And here’s the deal. There are socially constructed scales that tell of people’s smartness. According to them, I am only fractionally higher than being not smart. Telling me I’m smart won’t make me feel better about constantly failing at school, (not failing relatively, failing in terms of the absolute meaning of failing, the one that involves scoring an F). In the movie stronger, the main character was a guy that lost his legs to the Boston bombing. People around him were of the vocal opinion that he was strong and to himself he didn’t feel strong. People constantly saying “you are strong” made him feel like an imposter. This sort of feeling is kind of like imposter syndrome except people considering you to be a thing that you are not makes you feel like an imposter.
“Hi, I’m Isu and I’m a writer”
Not a good one. A struggling one would be more accurate. I do things that qualify as that. I write and I struggle. I think with this particular thing, because the people that read my writing are people with personal relationships with me, they read it with a form of bias. If my story sucks, they’d probably say “it was okay. I kind of liked it. “ If it didn’t suck, they’d say “it was so nice. I really liked it”. To other people, if it sucked, they’d say “we are sorry to reject this story. It’s just not what we are looking for.“ If it didn’t suck, they’d say “we are sorry to reject this story. It’s just not what we are looking for. “
Friends and friendly people react based on the relationship. People without said attachment do not. If I get any claps for this story, it will be because you cherish me enough not only to read to the end of this boring talk but also to want me to feel sort of good about writing it in the first place. I guess… Thank you.
According to the social scales constructed to tell people whether they are good writers or not. I’m not even a writer. I don’t get acknowledgement of the fact that I write from people other than people I know (closely) and it’s not from lack of trying. This post will get 15 views and 4 reads and it’s not because I have only 15 followers on medium, or only 15 followers on Twitter or only 15 people saw my WhatsApp status.
I was thinking recently (just after writing a short story) that I used to pride myself in my stories being good over my writing being good because I knew the quality of my writing sucked. My writing still sucks and now the stories do to.
Jumping back to not knowing how to introduce myself. Chasing multiple dreams tends to never end well. There’s an entire phrase coined from the fact – “Jack of all trades, master of none.” I’m out here trying to be a front end developer/ designer and a writer and also pursue a career in AI and also kill bad guys and save the world all at the same time. It feels like at some point in time I’d have to give up all of these things to make a living.
I just finished my last semester in university (hopefully… I am actually very uncertain of the fact) and a popular sort of question is what I’m doing next or what I’m doing now or what I want to do. Where do I want to work? What type of work do I want to do? My answer is generally evasive or that I just want to read a book or two. I don’t want to choose where I want to work because it will just be one thing. It will just be programming most probably. It might probably be work that after a few months I forget wanting to do other things. I’m pretty sure an eventuality where I am only one thing is certain. I’m just scared of choosing what that one thing will be
Back to feeling like an imposter in everything. I’m an imposter in design because I have zero artistic talent. I’m an imposter in AI because I am. And I’m an imposter in writing because I kind of suck at it. I’m not thinking of stopping but if I do it’d make sense. Sometimes, getting constant rejection from strangers doesn’t mean you should try harder. It could also mean you should stop. All 7 people that read my medium or whatever stories I write will understand.
