My life and some of its names

I want to be mad at what i do

I am young and fresh into the university. I still have dreams of finishing with a first class. I have dreams of doing a master degree and a PhD. All before 27. There is a strong conviction within me. I want to be mad at what I do so I pick a thing. The thing I pick is FSC103, this is introduction to Physics. I shall be mad at this and i shall finish my first semester with a 5 point. I spend a lot of time in a lecturer’s office, pretending to be reading but honestly just trying to be with his daughter. She is pretty.

I finish my first semester with a little over 4 points. I get an A in FSC103 but not the sort that warrants being called mad at what you do. It’s not a 97. I wanted a 97. I start writing, I start a blog. I send links. My best friend, Tade is very supportive of my blog and my writing. I am not mad at writing and i know it but i am writing about a mad man. For now it is good enough. My blog only gets read by a few people. Some people tell me I write okay and that it is nice. Lazy compliments. I am not mad at writing.

I do a rap song with my close friend from secondary school, Nnaemeka. We were in a rap crew together. The song is nice, it is alright. People hear it but just some people. They say it is nice, not great. ‘The beat is nice.’ Really? The beat is nice? I am not mad at rapping. I stop rapping.

I get a scholarship to some web design teaching school. They teach me to write some html/css and they take over my Saturday. I make ugly, mini websites. I want to be good at this but I am not. I stop.

I am not mad at anything I am doing so I change my bio.

I decided to change my bio

A tech guy is born. I meet Oge, my first programming lecturer. We grow close because she becomes my mentor. I learn C#. I become ecstatic at my prospect of becoming a programmer. I still have a lot of confidence in my intelligence. I ace most exams but two. My gp is a 3.7 or 3.8 i do not remember. I spend a lot of time writing and reading and with Oge and at the control lab and getting home late. I visit andela and meet Iyin, he is 24. Wow! that could be me. I could own a cool ass company at 24. Oge shares her dreams of owning her company with me and asks me if I am interested. Hell yes I am so we discuss this for sometime. It is something to do with AI.

Oge travels. I fail my first course at school, then i fail my second and my third. I cry, alone. I cannot remember what comes next but my bio remains “I decided to change my bio”

I am not doing anything

The only thing I remember doing is writing and reading a great tone. I make a resolve to be better this session in school. I create a daily reminder telling me to “Be serious today” so that i will not feel comfortable wasting away my time. I spend time in the library, i go for classes and i fail. Again. I cry, alone, again. I have stopped talking about school to my friends and parents by this time because i honestly do not know what is happening again. I start programming again. I teach myself html and css and js. I teach myself object oriented programming. I try to teach myself the basics of Artificial Intelligence but I really do not have enough time to do that. Then i fail. Not in school. I turn 18 and remember I had a bet with someone that by 18 I would have something doing with my life but i am not really doing anything.

I am happy

A new session starts. I have a new conviction to be better. I suddenly have time to do everything I want to do. I start making music again, not rapping, just editing music. I name myself a front end developer and continue teaching myself html, css and js. I start working on a site for a project (company of sorts). I go to the library often. I go for my classes and get a little excited about school again. I start making dj mixes. I start writing a book. I make an outline for two other books to start later. I get a girlfriend. I spend a lot time with her, like a lot. I go to my first art exhibition. I go to my first restaurant and many more after. I spend time with friends. My mind unravels with many ideas.

Then I fail, and I cry, alone. I cry to my girlfriend afterwards. I look back at my life and realize I still haven’t achieved much. I break down mentally and cry myself to sleep for some nights. This is about the same time my need to make my parents proud sets in.

New semester and I have new resolve to be better. I apply for a lot of things and get accepted to write for hotels.ng. I get called to work for a friend’s small company as a front-end developer. I turn down offers from potential clients because of school. I stop working at hotels.ng because of school. I get accepted to two companies for my IT and I chose the one in Victoria Island because it’s closer.

I fail again but I don’t cry. I just kind of die inside.

I am terribly anxious and alone

I start working and lose track of life. I stop attending tech meetups. I become increasingly aware of how much i have spent out of my savings this year and realize I might be irresponsible. I spend every other weekend at the mechanic trying to fix my car and I find it difficult to save anything out of my salary. I find myself unintentionally sounding sad and my tweets show it. I delete a lot of them and I delete my account. Then I start to simply let said sad thoughts cloud my head. I lose my patience and get road rage. I stop driving to curb the road rage. I become increasingly aware of a lot of things. I do not remember them now.

I overthink things and spend most of my time being aware of my own heart beat being too fast. I try to avoid physical contact with people to avoid getting anxious. This doesn’t stop me. I act a fool in my relationship. I give someone in need all the money I have left because I am too afraid to disappoint them. I consequently disappoint them. I fuck up my girlfriend’s birthday, she doesn’t speak to me for days after. I consider self harm. I cry to sleep for some nights. I go broke. I withdraw the last of my savings and spend time with my best friend, Halima. I go broke again and borrow money for transport. I decide to pursue happiness.

This part of my life is called the pursuit for happiness

I visit art exhibitions and I take walks. Very long frequent walks. I take pictures of a lot of flowers. I think, a lot. I talk to my friends and feel less anxious about physical companionship. I and my girlfriend breakup. I cry one literal tear.

This part of my life is called what comes next

I cannot remember much about this part. I finish my IT and sleep.

I am tired of living my life in short burst of adrenaline

This is where we are. I have stopped coding, for the most part. I am not doing anything but thinking. Calculating the statistical probability of me graduating school next year and not failing my parents. Writing this. Wondering if i am truly gonna be great because its probably gonna take more than just tweeting it every morning. I am going through twitter and seeing a lot of talk about tech meetups and many developers. There are a ton of developers out there. I am thinking of how i don’t want to be lost in that number. I look at one of my role model’s twitter account, Ope. He is tweeting normal stuff. I look at my ex’s twitter, she is retweeting religious stuff and funny stuff. I consider making a new resolve to be better then realize i live my life in short burst of adrenaline…

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Mo Isu

Mo Isu

Writing what I can| Being Vulnerable and confused| Making podcasts (inside a bubble)

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