This is how it came to me

I had finished writing this and was trying to chose a title when I considered that I might probably get a lot more done if I didn’t think so much. A lot of the things I wanted to include in this, I couldn’t because it was getting lengthy

I fill the in-betweens with thoughts.

Not collated thought trains as this post will eventually prove, but haphazard snippets of mind wandering that tend not to hold any real significance in the moment. The thoughts are not often actionable ideas, not the next million dollar company, not how I will pass my exams, not my next story idea, they are just stuff, just thoughts.

Example of things I think about include ‘the truth of the Dracula myth’, ‘the truth of the king Arthur legend’, ‘why people have road rage’, ‘the basics of string theory’. ‘how many space deaths have been recorded’. These are not what my thoughts always are, these are just some of the things I can remember. I think something I have noticed about having so many thoughts all the time is that I don’t seem to be able to remember most of what they are. I could be thinking something at a particular time and the very next second, I have forgotten.

It’s gone.

Puuf.

I hate it when this happens. I find myself not being able to retain a lot of information; both acquired from my surrounding and just the things that lurk in my head.

Sometimes my thoughts are about things I want to talk to my text buddy about. This was why I started writing my thoughts down. This and the fact that sometimes, I want to remember what I was thinking. A good amount of my thoughts are stuff I want to send to my text buddy. Usually these things have a discussion period of 10 minutes (or 5 replies) so to keep the conversation always lively; I need to remember a lot of the things I think about. These days I don’t write a lot of things to send her, mostly because I feel I might have exhausted all the things from my past and I am at the point where I can only text about the present. In my present, there is not a lot to talk about. I do nothing.

In the middle of writing this post. I lost the train of thought I had and I can no longer remember what this paragraph was supposed to be about.

Sometimes I worry about this lack of the ability to hold on to a train of thought and to recall certain things. I used to be the person that remembers every and anything, even the oddest of memories, I think maybe partly because I considered most things important. Now, I cannot even trust myself to remember birthdays so I keep a calendar to remind me. Of course this worry too will eventually fade like the worry I used to have concerning my periodic blackouts.

Today my thoughts have been mostly questions. Today and the last couple of days actually. Some questions that I think I have the answers to, some questions that I used to be sure that I had the answers to and some questions that I am completely clueless about.

When do I want to get married? Do I want to get married? Who do I want to get married to?

I used think I wanted to be married at 23 and that I would get married to my first girlfriend and stuff. Then, that changed to ‘I don’t want to get married’ then it changed to ‘I want to get married at 27’ and now it’s changed to I don’t know. My answer to a lot of things right now is “I don’t know” because I think I am tired of pretending that plans matter or that knowledge is something I can claim to have.

Do I want to have children?

Yes. This one hasn’t really ever changed. I think maybe because I have harboured the thought of adopting since I was a child.

What do I want to do for a living? How will I get rich? Do I want to be rich?

No. That was the answer to do I want to be rich. The no doesn’t mean I don’t want to be rich, it just sort of means I don’t want to care. My opinion on this change, some days, I think it would be nice to have somethings. Some days I consider it would have been nicer if my parents provided some things for me. It would have been nicer to have grown up in a house that wasn’t so damn small and to have travelled and to have gotten new stuff and to be able to share some experiences that my pairs had. For the most part however, I think that I grew up happy so I think as an adult, I just want to find happiness…

And food, but food cost money so I want to be rich.

Who sleep don epp? Will you graduate this year? Why are you writing this

I don’t know.

I was just thinking while I was walking home today about how I am somehow always occupied. At every point. My mind is seldom free. In class, I lose my concentration a lot. Sometimes in conversations, I move along faster than the person I am talking to. Sometimes I get distracted from a task. A lot of the time, during salat, I find my mind wandering; these days I try to keep my mind thinking about things related to God and such things.

I just remembered what that last paragraph was supposed to be about but I have forgotten again.

I really don’t know what I am trying to say. I guess this is an in-between post and I fill the in-between with thoughts.

Writing what I can| Being Vulnerable and confused| Making podcasts (inside a bubble)